Wednesday, June 24, 2009

It only gets harder it seems

Well, Brian got out on June 2nd. He moved in with his parents again. I don't think he actually thought I would leave. He did not say much to me when he saw me that night. I did give him a kiss. I have asked several times since then about getting together to talk about things to work out and talk with the Pastor and either get "I don't know my schedule" or "We will see". It saddens me to think that he doesn't want to try to work on the marriage. LAst night he made a statement that he was not going to be working on Friday so he would be going repealing. IF only he would show the attention to the marriage as he does to the fire department and all of his hobbies then we would not be in this mess. I am also distressed. I thought the day we went to Little Rock with Kyle that he would open up. But all he wanted to do was tease. His excuse is it is his addiction. However he does not want to do counseling. I really wish he would and that he would open up and tell me what he wants from the marriage. If he wants us to work things out or if he doesn't want to so I can know what I need to do. I pray for our marriage and him every night. I do miss him but when I talk with him it is How's kids, how was work or when are you going to get that account out of overdraft.

I watched Fireproof finally the other night. It was good. I wished I could have made him watch it before things got bad however I know that this why he did not want to watch it. Guilt was driving him for sure. I am now reading the book written by Clay and Renee Crosse. I hope to get it read and let him read it as well. I am highlighting something things as I go though it. There are lots of things that have went on behind closed doors at the home that have hurt me and have me troubled. I am trying to find someeone to go to and talk with what has went on and get some more counseling and medication to help with the depression and mood swings.

Kyle was evalauated on the 17th at Dennis Developmental Center. They stated he has Hyperkinesis and is at risk for ADHD and mood disorders. He did not have Autism or Asperger's according to the test they gave him. He is back to having difficulty sleeping so I am hoping that the evaulation report will get to Ped soon so we can get him in for a sleep study.

We are not able to have the cats at the apartment due to money being tight. So I am trying to find someone to take them. The kids like feeding the ducks and playing in the pool. My family is helping out some with keeping the kids in pull ups and helping me get my nursing license so I can still work.

The Littlest FireFighter (Story that will touch your heart)

The Littlest Firefighter
The 26 year old motherstarted down at her son who was dying of terminal leukemia. although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent she wanted her son to grow up and fullfill his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see that. But she still wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took her son's hand and asked "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?" "Mommy, I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." Mom smiled back and said, Let's see if we can make your wish come true." Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big a Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six year old son a ride around the block on a fire engine. Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! "And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat-not a toy one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow sticker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast." Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got o go on all three calls. He rode in different fire engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible. One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who belived in the hospice concept that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy spent as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hosiptal to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When yo hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there in not a fire? It's just the fire department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?" About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital, extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they loved him. With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief an said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?" "Billy, you are," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and closed his eyes on last time. You never realize how your small deeds or a big deal to those that need help in desperate times. Something to think about. Big D and Bubba (radio DJ's in

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The past month and a half.....

bathroom at apartment
kitchen in apartment
living room/bar in apartment
catilyn and me at mother's day banquet at church
Austin and Mrs. Perry-Pangburn Kindergarden Graduation
has been like a living nightmare. I have went from having all bills paid by the end of the month to struggling to put food on table for kids and have gas for work and pull ups for them. I asked and tried to get money in order to keep the bills current but failed to get anywhere. On top of trying to get things figured out where the kids and I were going to live before June 1st. I got out of my comfortable zone of trying to stay close to Pangburn and found something in Searcy actually right across the street from where I work. We started moving in the 16th of May and were officially in on the 24th of May. it has been a challenage to say the least and also very exciting time. During this time I have lost a total of 20 lbs. Learned that the kids are my biggest concern and to be confident in myself. 

I had a few things to deal with along the way. Brian's constant concern if the bills were being paid with just my income and little to my mental anguish. I thought and prayed about things before I really made the decision to move out somewhere. I got behind on the house, both vehicles but I did manage to keep the kids in pull ups, food on table when I could, water and electric paid and medications. I talked with a doctor and got back on my anti depressents and started feeling the fog lifting and sleeping better.  It made me bad everytime I talked with Brian and all he wanted to say was what he was going to do with house and projects around the house when he got back home and little concern over our marriage or what we needed to work on. the only mention was that we had both been stressed out. Me stressed...nope can't be when I am the one that cleans house, keeps finances in order, cares for the kids, cares for the animals and works full time at two jobs so the other can get what he wants and comes home and sits down or goes to his parents until it is closer to time I am getting home then he brings kids home so I can get them ready for bed and then start on house work that could have been in process of being done from the time one got off work and the other came home. Reality starting hitting when the dealership called wanting to know if I wanted to take the van back in or start making payments again. I once again tried to find someway to get the money once again dead end and disappointment. Brian came back home on June 2nd. I took the kids out there to see him. No, "How are you" or any signs of affection what so ever with him. Ok, so I had moved out but I had also stated the first time around that if it happened again I would leave for a while. I have asked if he is willing to work things out. All I get is him looking at a magazine saying "I don't know, we will talk later" then when I finally get a phone as a go phone plan so I can be called in or told not to come in for work I call him and all I get is "you need to get the bank account out of the red." "the bank is on me about this account you need to get it out of the negative." When asked if he would help with the kids "Yes, but I need to get things caught up first." It hurts to think that he is not willing to work things out and go to counseling with me and the pastor. I am so tried of it being one sided. Now that we are 30 minutes away from eah other you would think he would try and help get us loser to him again. He had to move in with his parents again and has decided to do repairs on the house. On Sunday (June 7th-my birthday) I asked the Pastor (Bro. Billy) to come over and talk with him. In hopes that maybe it would be the three of us. He sees him and tells me "I think you have company" and walks off. When the Pastor gets in the house and talks to Brian his mom makes a the comment "he is back under mama's roof now so he better keep his nose clean." when he had been doing exactly what he lived there before we met and married.  Only implying that it is my fault that he got in trouble. Everytime I am over there I wish, hope and pray that it ccould be where we could talk with just the two of us but there is alway a third and sometimes fourth wheel in the room so I am not comfortable with talking with him not to mention that the kdis are there. It feels very unwelcoming and like I have to walk on egg shells when I am over there. I left him a note last night that stated he could come to the apartment to visit us as well as us going out there. 

In other things: I do have things worked out with the dealer on van so I am not going to lose it. I have asked him for help but have been denied. That is getting to the norm now. Kyle has an appointment with Dennis Developmental center at AR children's on the 17th. So that should be interesting to ride up there with him and brian although I am sure there will be a third wheel with us as well when we do. 

here is some pictures over the past month and a half.  Austin also Graduated Kindergarden!