kitchen in apartment
living room/bar in apartment
catilyn and me at mother's day banquet at church
Austin and Mrs. Perry-Pangburn Kindergarden Graduation
has been like a living nightmare. I have went from having all bills paid by the end of the month to struggling to put food on table for kids and have gas for work and pull ups for them. I asked and tried to get money in order to keep the bills current but failed to get anywhere. On top of trying to get things figured out where the kids and I were going to live before June 1st. I got out of my comfortable zone of trying to stay close to Pangburn and found something in Searcy actually right across the street from where I work. We started moving in the 16th of May and were officially in on the 24th of May. it has been a challenage to say the least and also very exciting time. During this time I have lost a total of 20 lbs. Learned that the kids are my biggest concern and to be confident in myself.
I had a few things to deal with along the way. Brian's constant concern if the bills were being paid with just my income and little to my mental anguish. I thought and prayed about things before I really made the decision to move out somewhere. I got behind on the house, both vehicles but I did manage to keep the kids in pull ups, food on table when I could, water and electric paid and medications. I talked with a doctor and got back on my anti depressents and started feeling the fog lifting and sleeping better. It made me bad everytime I talked with Brian and all he wanted to say was what he was going to do with house and projects around the house when he got back home and little concern over our marriage or what we needed to work on. the only mention was that we had both been stressed out. Me stressed...nope can't be when I am the one that cleans house, keeps finances in order, cares for the kids, cares for the animals and works full time at two jobs so the other can get what he wants and comes home and sits down or goes to his parents until it is closer to time I am getting home then he brings kids home so I can get them ready for bed and then start on house work that could have been in process of being done from the time one got off work and the other came home. Reality starting hitting when the dealership called wanting to know if I wanted to take the van back in or start making payments again. I once again tried to find someway to get the money once again dead end and disappointment. Brian came back home on June 2nd. I took the kids out there to see him. No, "How are you" or any signs of affection what so ever with him. Ok, so I had moved out but I had also stated the first time around that if it happened again I would leave for a while. I have asked if he is willing to work things out. All I get is him looking at a magazine saying "I don't know, we will talk later" then when I finally get a phone as a go phone plan so I can be called in or told not to come in for work I call him and all I get is "you need to get the bank account out of the red." "the bank is on me about this account you need to get it out of the negative." When asked if he would help with the kids "Yes, but I need to get things caught up first." It hurts to think that he is not willing to work things out and go to counseling with me and the pastor. I am so tried of it being one sided. Now that we are 30 minutes away from eah other you would think he would try and help get us loser to him again. He had to move in with his parents again and has decided to do repairs on the house. On Sunday (June 7th-my birthday) I asked the Pastor (Bro. Billy) to come over and talk with him. In hopes that maybe it would be the three of us. He sees him and tells me "I think you have company" and walks off. When the Pastor gets in the house and talks to Brian his mom makes a the comment "he is back under mama's roof now so he better keep his nose clean." when he had been doing exactly what he lived there before we met and married. Only implying that it is my fault that he got in trouble. Everytime I am over there I wish, hope and pray that it ccould be where we could talk with just the two of us but there is alway a third and sometimes fourth wheel in the room so I am not comfortable with talking with him not to mention that the kdis are there. It feels very unwelcoming and like I have to walk on egg shells when I am over there. I left him a note last night that stated he could come to the apartment to visit us as well as us going out there.
In other things: I do have things worked out with the dealer on van so I am not going to lose it. I have asked him for help but have been denied. That is getting to the norm now. Kyle has an appointment with Dennis Developmental center at AR children's on the 17th. So that should be interesting to ride up there with him and brian although I am sure there will be a third wheel with us as well when we do.
here is some pictures over the past month and a half. Austin also Graduated Kindergarden!
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