my ramblings

Feeling very hopeless at the moment. I feel like I am on the verge of screaming and then crying. I wish someone was here to hold me in their arms and talk to me. My husband used to do that. He was so sweet and I miss that side of him. The only time he did want to touch me it seemed the past few years is for sex. There were times I felt so torn by wanting to please him and just be held. The last time I was held by him in sort of loving way without anything in return was when I told him I was pregnant with Catilyn. I was worried that night about what he would do or say. I do miss him and wish that he would go with me for counseling but I am so tired of asking and getting excuses on it. I can not be in limbo anymore it is causing me great anxious and stress which is coming out as me being so irritable and dramatic in everything that happens.

What else

I am feeling very depressed, stressed, anxious and feeling like I have been in a pressure cooker and I am about to let my steam out. I have had a very stressful 24 hours it seems. I am trying to discipline my three year old who has ADHD and it backs fire so then I am ticked b/c I am told to discipline him more and stay consisent but then I am slapped in the face by an accusation that I abuse my children. I feel like all are out to get me and against me. THey want to take my kids from me it seems or make my life so mireseable I will want commit myself. I know this is not true but can't feel like maybe it is. I feel like I have no support and keep getting threw down when I try and do soemthign right for myself or my children either parenting or education decisions. I feel like those around me with think I am incompentent to do anything and need to be told how to do something or be disciplined saying I am too nice with my discpline with my kids. I feel like I have no support and all are against me waiting and wanting me to fail at something. I don't like failure at all and am even more ticked that I could be an RN if I had had the support I needed while I was going to school. I wish and wish that I would have been told that the degree I had would not amount to anything and I could have went into nursing sooner.

at the moment I just want to cry, scream and punch things to release this built up pressure. I hate feeling like this. I really wished my husband had kept his nose clean or at least will talk to be about things. It is heartbreaking and disappointing. I feel like I making the same mistakes that family members have bad with their lives. I fear that my three old will grow up and self medicate to control his hyperactivity and impulsiveness.